I am a runner.
It took me a long time to accept that. I kept trying to apply caveats like, “well, I’m not a natural runner,” or, “not that I run very fast or anything.” At some point I finally realized I really was a runner, and I just dropped all the caveats. I ran to feel good, I ran to sort out my thoughts, I ran to feel competitive (even if only with myself), I ran to see progress, I ran to feel strong, and a lot of the time I ran simply because I could. Sometimes you just have to do something, and lacing up a pair of running shoes always seemed like the simplest something I could do. I was a runner because it became part of my identity, part of how I viewed myself.
But then, for some reason, I forgot.
OK, well, not for “some” reason, but for a perfectly understandable reason.
I became a cruiser.
That’s right. My husband and I sold our house, quit our jobs, moved our family onto a boat, and sailed away from our home and the entire life we knew. It was something we really wanted to do. It was exciting. We had worked hard for so long, and now we were going to live a life we really wanted to live. We would become a stronger family unit. We would travel to places we’ve never been. It has been absolutely amazing, as amazing as anyone who’s ever wanted to do this could imagine it being. But after a year and change I’m able to look back and see that I’ve had ups and down as I have had to figure out how to redefine myself in this new life. Running isn’t the only part of my identity that I lost.
I lost my work identity. I was a respected engineer and manager. I was good at what I did, and it was well recognized by the people around me. Early on someone asked me what I missed most from home, and I joked, “I miss being listened to.” That wasn’t so much of a joke as the raw, honest truth. At work, people really did listen to me. Now I lived on a boat even though I know very little about sailing and even less about fixing boat issues. I simply wasn’t listened to anymore because it wasn’t apparent that I knew anything worth listening to. I had a hard time with that, even though I really didn’t recognize it at the time.
I lost my busy working mother identity. I was the mom who worked like crazy but still found time to be the Little League team mom. I was always busy and rarely took any time to just relax. I thought this was something I hated and was gladly giving it up to go cruising, but then there was just so much time. So much time with very little purpose.
Please don’t take any of this as complaining. I never wallowed in any misery; in fact I never actually realized these identities were lost or that I had any issues even if they were. I simply went about the business of redefining my identity. I am now a homeschool teacher, meteorologist, navigator, and licensed HAM radio operator. At this point in my journey, I certainly don’t want my work identity or my busy working mother identity back. I do, however, want my runner identity back. I have realized there’s no reason I should have lost that in the first place. Sure, we live on a boat, but most places we’ve been to have a place to run, I just need to remind myself it’s what I really want to do.
So, I’ve started this blog to document all of the places I will run, and how I learn and grow along the way.
Today, I laced up my shoes, got a dinghy ride to the dock, and ran about a mile along the southern point of the island of Huahine in French Polynesia. I can’t wait to run tomorrow.
-D.
Gresham Family Exodus 