Today, it’s raining. Not pouring rain like the last two cold fronts that have passed, but it’s densely overcast and there’s a constant drizzle, so I am staying inside. No running. No paddle boarding.
I used to let myself get prodded into running in the rain. “C’mon, it’s just a little rain. Be tough!” I’ve always wanted to be tough and I’ve always thought of myself as tough, so I would run in the rain to prove I was tough, not just to other people, but to myself. Lots of runners do it all the time, it’s how they prove they are dedicated to running in addition to proving they are tough. If lots of runners do it, then I can too. Well, of course I COULD do it, but it took me awhile to think about whether I SHOULD do it.
I hate running in the rain. I turns an activity that I treasure and makes it so intensely unpleasant that I hate every step. I hate the cold rain stinging my face and I hate my soggy, drippy clothes and hair. One day it sort of abruptly occurred to me that it was stupid to run in the rain because I hated it. I didn’t need to run in the rain to prove a point. I’m still tough, even if I’m the only one who thinks so.
Just like I don’t have to dive with sting rays either. Being tough and capable and independent are qualities that are very important to me, so much so that it’s actually hard for me to not just suck it up and do things I don’t want to do. I don’t want to dive with sting rays, not because I’m afraid, but because when you get in the water they immediately swim all over you because they want you to feed them. It’s this closeness with nature that is unpleasant and uncomfortable for me. I love nature, just not up close. But I know that no one buys that. They all think I won’t swim with the sting rays because I’m afraid, and that bothers me. And there was a time I would have just done it. But not now. I’m OK, now, honoring my own likes and dislikes and being true to them.
So, today I stay inside and wait for this front to pass. I’ll run when it’s sunny and pleasant. I’ll run when I will enjoy it.
-D.
Gresham Family Exodus 