The Buck Doesn’t Stop with Me

Originally posted on cruisingrunner

Sometimes it’s hard, because consensus simply isn’t possible when partners have different risk tolerances. We discuss, persuade, argue, each of us convinced that we are correct in our position. Just to give you an idea of the kinds of things I’m talking about, here are a few examples: anchoring locations relative to land/reefs, entering an anchorage or port at night or in low visibility, and reefing the sails. I am more conservative with a tendency to follow the old salt rules of thumb, and my husband is, well, less conservative, with a tendency to make in the moment decisions. Don’t worry, this post isn’t going to be your typical cruising wife husband bashing diatribe, so stick with me.

Usually, when we have one of these “discussions” it’s my husband who gets his way, because he is supremely confident, and I generally back down first. But, of course, I don’t back down quietly. I make my dissension evident; sometimes loudly and sometimes passive aggressively. It’s easy to devolve into fluctuation between irritation with him and despair at my situation, having felt like I’ve lost my voice.

Obviously, we are still alive, and our boat hasn’t sunk, so my husband can’t be doing all that bad. But there *have* been times when non-ideal corrective action has had to be taken, like having to re-anchor in the middle of the night because we ended up too close to a shallow pinnacle or having to reef the sails in strong winds *after* a squall has engulfed us. When this happens, I always want to take the high road, I really do, but I usually cannot contain the smug little look and the occasional blatant verbal, “I told you so.”

The thing is that my attitude, my behavior, simply isn’t fair. First of all, it needs to be said that there’s nothing my husband has done that has been dangerous. He has never made a decision that has put our family at risk, rather it’s risk of damage to our boat that I sometimes question, not risk to any of our lives. But second of all, and the point I really want to make, is that at the end of the day, at the end of the discussions and the arguing and the I told you so’s, the buck doesn’t stop with me.

It stops with him.

And that’s a lot of responsibility, quite a burden, if you think about it. Even still, he carries it willingly and, yes, confidently, and I wouldn’t want it any other way. So, I judge from a very comfortable position, indeed. Would it kill me to be part of his team and support him every once in awhile instead of second guessing him all of the time? Maybe. But perhaps I can at least pick my battles for the *really* crazy stuff he comes up with.